Beaches, Bikers, and depression

Beaches, Bikers, and all my favorite things! I have no idea how I am ever going to catch you all up on all the things I want to share! The entire month of May so far has been jammed packed with all the things that feed my soul and all my jars are full!!! And my mind is always racing. Let's see, where to start…

I will start with a treatment update! I have officially started Taxol and I have 4 of my 12 treatments down. Officially half way through chemotherapy. I am feeling overall better than I did when I was receiving my AC treatments but with that overall feel better I have a whole new list of side effects. The taxol is taking a huge toll on my stomach and my general appetite and taste are not agreeing with me. Ryan has been doing a great job keeping up with my worse than pregnancy cravings and aversions. He is a good man :) The doctors are trying to mess with my steroids and lower my dosage to help me with some side effects it is causing. I have been getting headaches at treatment and in the days following. I finally got into an appointment in Columbus to see a genetic counselor to decide what kind of gene testing we want to have done. I am struggling with these decisions knowing that some of those results affect not only my life, but the lives of my daughters. They are booked out until July so we have some time yet. The great news is my doctors are very happy with how I am handling chemotherapy and Dr T has said my tumor is shrinking still. Praise the good Lord!

Ryan, the girls, and I were invited to be guests on a Little Pink Houses of Hope retreat in Hatteras Island, North Carolina a few weeks ago. When I was first diagnosed I turned to the internet to find information, communities, and resources that I could use to help me and my family. I was surprised to find so many companies that I had never heard of! Little Pink was one of the first companies I read about. Little Pink started in 2009 by breast cancer survivor Jeanine Patten-Coble. Her mission was to provide families with a free, week-long vacation retreat where they can relax, find direction, and live each day to the fullest! Any breast cancer survivor can apply to be invited to a retreat on their website. www.littlepink,org Ryan and I have never been able to take our kids on a whole week long vacation just us 5 before so when we received an email at the beginning of April that we were selected for the Hatters Island retreat we could not have said yes fast enough! The beach is absolutely my happy place and where I feel closest to God. And my children are all beach babies so they were just as excited as me! So with a little planning and a lot of help from our village we packed up the mini-van and took off. But not without a great big birthday party celebration!

The big 3-0. A new decade before me! Before February I was ready to jump into my 30s, I was proud of my 20s and was ready to begin the next phase of life. Until I got cancer. I have been a tad quiet about my emotional journey so far, going into only some detail. I would be lying if I said my mental health was in a great space. It is for sure getting there and I am finding great coping strategies, but it has been work! So celebrating a big milestone like 30 was a great way to do a lot of self reflection. And what a better way to do it than throw yourself a great big fiesta! My day started with chemo bright and early at 7:30am (yuck!), but an early day to get in all the fun. My sister Jennifer and my best friend Kodi dressed up like tacos and danced outside my chemo window. I peed my pants I laughed so hard! How did I get so lucky with those two? I enjoyed lunch with them and a nice sunny drive to Upper Sandusky where Kodi treated me to a new outfit for my upcoming bike run. I snuck in a quick nap, a visit with our friends Jason and Abby, and headed over to my parents for the party! I can't possibly begin to tell you all the things I laughed at that day so here are my Top 5 Birthday Moments.

1. Jennifer swiped a box of Dots from the hands of children. Its all fun and games until the pinata comes out. See photo.

2. Only thing I did not like about the day was that I could not drink Olers margaritas.

3. My Grandma Peg told me my hair was "all over her face" when I tried to take a photo with her. (Those wigs are hard to tame)

4. I was dealt a "loner" on the final hand of euchre for the night. (This is my all time favorite game to play with my family)

5. I felt beautiful in every single picture of the whole day. That never happens to me and it sure has been awhile since I felt beautiful!

Overall I had the world's perfect birthday and I cannot thank my family enough for being so extra all day!

To only make my birthday last longer we took off late Friday night and drove to North Carolina. I am extra thankful to Ryan who drove almost the whole way there and back! I am on a normal dose of steroids that make my head foggy so I have mostly been a passenger lately! The kids were very good on the way there. We were welcomed at our Little Pink rental by Pam, the Hattera Island coordinator. Pam became a part of Little Pink to spread her love of her native island but also to honor her close friend who lost her battle with breast cancer around 10 years ago. Pam welcomed us to a rental that would be ours for the week along with an abundance of gifts from locals! I was overwhelmed with love. Because of covid restrictions I was unable to meet all the people who would normally share their story. I was given several cards that shared great stories of hope and recovery. I met a woman who owned the local book store who is a 20 year survivor. 20 years! Several other local shop owners, managers, and workers blessed me with kindness and stories of hope for a long life ahead.

While on vacation I had the privilege to have coffee with another Little Pink survivor who was also on the trip with her family. Tammy is a stage 4 breast cancer survivor currently working on her third year of treatment. She is a warrior. I enjoyed getting to know Tammy but it was also refreshing to have intimate conversation with someone living with metastatic breast cancer. I have experienced so many moments since being diagnosed where I could barely get out of bed. I felt so dark I did not want to open my eyes. How do people with a diagnosis like Tammy's do it? Where do they draw their strength from? Well I can't say I know how she feels or how she does it, but one of my favprite sayings comes to mind. God gives His hardest battles to His toughest warriors. I was captivated by the grace Tammy carried herself with. She was thankful for every moment she has been gifted with her family and hopeful for many memories to come. I do believe I was given this task to show others it can be done. But I also believe God sent me Tammy, so I can be reminded why we do it. One life, one chance to get it "right". How are we making today worth it?

The rest of our week was filled with sandy babies, sunshine, really great food, and lots of family time! We played so many rounds of Uno and Go Fish I lost count. We had a bucket list of 50 things to do while in the Outer Banks and we managed to check 28 things off the list! We took a ferry ride to another island, we hunted ghost crabs at night, ate ginormous ice cream cones, and Ryan taught the girls to skim board. I cannot say enough good things about Little Pink Houses of Hope. Their mission is so unique and so very important. They had a vision of providing families with a "break" from the cancer roller coaster. That week was time I will never take for granted. If you are a breast cancer survivor or someone who is currently in treatment I encourage you to visit Little Pinks website or social media and learn more about them. And if you are a supporter who is reading my blog and inspired by Little Pink's mission I ask that you reach out to them and find a way to support that is meaningful to you! I know they are looking for more vacation homes so they can invite more families to experience a retreat!

Coming home from vacation was hard. I am always sad to see a vacation end because not only do you have to return to hussle and bussle of life but the thrill of planning vacation is no longer. The bags hide back in the closet and the laundry begins piling up again. Luckly we came home very late Friday to make it home in time for my birthday bike run on Saturday. My bestie Kodi planned a perfect day (mother nature was also nice and gave us perfect weather) filled with lots of people, places, and things that feed my soul. 42 motorcycles and too many friends to name formed the 4 stop poker run that lasted all day. Kodi's husband Ryan let me kick her off his bike and was my official ride all day. I am so thankful to everyone who came out and helped me feel free for the day. Riding motorcycles is something I love to do but don't get to enjoy very often. I even enjoyed my first Budwieser since I started treatment. It was cold and super yummy! This return home also meant chemo right away on Monday morning. Lori, my mother in law, found me waiting for my mom on the porch. The girls had grumbled away to school and Ryan was a zombie trying to get back on a schedule and off I went to restart the journey that seems to be lasting forever. As soon as she shut off the engine the tears came flooding in. "I just really don't want to go," I said. She knows the feeling and comforted me well. It's so special for me to not only get my own mom here to guide me but to have Lori too, so blessed. Anyway, I pretty much cried my way there, through my blood drawn, while I waited on the doctor and for the first 15 minutes of chemo. To my delight and surprise Ryan was awake and came to pick me up after treatment. I don't always get Ryan because of his work schedule, so when I do it's a huge pick me up. Last week was a rough one, lots of mental roadblocks and chemo symptoms! I decided that to best share my thoughts I would start journaling a little everyday. I hope this style helps to paint the pictures going through my head. If just one person is changed, or helped, or more confident because of words and thoughts I shared, all this will be worth it. "Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Wednesday May 19th

I have been telling myself for a while now to write each day. I say wonderful things in my head and Kodi and I even joke about me carrying around a recorder, but I am just not disciplined enough. I have been struggling mentally this week and I know starting a new routine and sticking to it can be helpful when keeping the darkness away. So today here is what I did today. I got up and packed lunches and woke up Ava and Ali and got back in bed. I love my bed. It makes all the pain in the world go away. Ryan took over and got the girls out the door for me. I love this new part of our routine. You the bomb babe! I stayed in bed and read. Kodi picked me up in the Jeep and we drove to Groovy Plant Ranch in Marengo, Ohio. We took the backroads and looked at pretty farmhouses. While at the “ranch” I had the pleasure of speaking to Lynda, a marketing writer for Susan G Komen. I had submitted my story on their website a few weeks ago and was asked to be interviewed more. I love being able to share my story and connect with people in the breast cancer community. One of my favorite questions from our interview was when she asked me if I could get up and tell the world one thing about my breast cancer journey, what would it be? My answer was that I would not tell anyone anything, but better show them the world the way I now see it, without any of the pain and suffering. I wish just for a moment I could help more people see the world the way I now see it. I want people to stop and feel the sun for a minute longer. Realize that your husband loves you the same when he is on the golf course as he does cuddling in bed with you. Oh and your grandma has a lot to teach you, put your phone down. I know you hear it all the time now, shit it's on all the best t-shirts! #lovelife. But are you really listening? Are you really living your best life? Physically I am very tired. Good size headache today. My taste buds feel weird. Nothing tastes good for more than a second and I am always thirsty! Today I am thankful for people who care for plants. I have no green thumb and I am going to stop pretending and let the plant people handle it! I had my mom over tonight and she planted all the things I bought and told me how to care for them. Bless her.

Thursday, May 20th

Today I slept a lot. I got the kids up and off with Ryan and I went back to sleep. Got up long enough to drive to Walmart and decided that I wasn't strong enough to walk around and push my cart alone. Lori to the rescue, she met me at Walmart and we did the shopping for Ali's kindergarten celebration this weekend. I took a huge nap in the afternoon before meeting up with a new friend! I met Crystal a few months ago through Facebook. She is also in treatment for breast cancer right now and it was so nice to talk and make jokes about the things happening to our bodies! Today I had better spirits and tried to not sweat the small stuff, like sleeping all day! Thankful today for Ava. She is getting so big, we have started watching a show after the little girls go to bed. I used to watch 7th Heaven with my mom before bed. Good times.

Friday, May 21st

Today was a hard today. I am physically not feeling as miserable as I was but now my mental health is becoming something I have to put serious effort in. I realized today the darkness has always been there, I have been choosing to stay in the light. Everyday is a new day and I am going to continue to try to stay in the light. I can do hard things. Today I am grateful for my daddy. He came over and helped me get all the yard work caught up. I don't have the normal stamina I normally have so chores like this are twice as hard and take twice as long.

Saturday, May 22nd

I am having lots of self discovery on my mental health as I prepare to meet with my therapist for the first time in 2 months. I started seeing her during the pandemic after I realized my anxiety was ruining my life and my marriage. I got very lucky and loved the first person I tried. (I heard this is uncommon but I am new at the therapist thing) Dr A and I have been seeing each other every other week for over a year. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was finding it hard to come up with things to say to her. I was overall feeling VERY confident in my life and marriage and the only thing I needed to work on was my faith and relationship with God, more on this later. I let my other doctors take priority and next thing I knew I hadn't seen her in 8 weeks. I miss her and I have been nervous about going back because I know my mental health has been struggling and I feel very guilty about it. Guilty for making extra work for myself and my family, for not being stronger, guilty about needing more "me time" even though that's all I feel like I have been doing…. should I keep going? I think you get the point. I am not doing well. But, today I discovered something I have been overlooking….. It's not that I am "more" depressed than I was 6 months ago. It's that I have something to be sad about EVERY damn day. I have to wake up every single day and choose joy. I have to choose to walk in the light. 6 months ago I would have good days and bad days. Days I thought I was doing it all wrong and days where I felt confident that I was making a good life. Now I have a great reason to be depressed. In fact 25% of people with cancer are depressed. That's 1 in 4. I am not perfect and more days lately than not I have allowed the darkness in. I have chosen to use my diagnosis as a reason to be mad, rude, or a plain old grumpy b word. But I want to be the good kind of extra. I want to work a little harder to keep the depression away. Because after all, isn't this life worth it? I mean look at these young ladies….. they are the reason I choose joy today. xoxo