Flat. Brave. And afraid.

This is one of the rawest blogs I have ever prepared to write. I want to talk about “putting on a brave face”. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve cried over it dozens of times. I have talked myself into and out of writing a blog about this phase of my cancer journey. Because even though I don’t have cancer anymore, this part of my story is because of cancer. I always come back to the fears. Fear of being judged, fear of hurting relationships, fear of people misunderstanding my intentions, the list goes on. But I cannot wait for life to stop getting scary to stop being brave. I know that sounds silly, but hear me out.

The thoughts and feelings about being brave first came into this season of my life when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 29. Without meaning to, and somewhat without knowing I was doing it, I began my cancer journey with a “brave face” on. During chemotherapy, when I experienced the worst depression of my life, I would still answer “how are you?” with a positive response. I protected my family, and the rest of the people following my story from the bad stuff. So much so that I believe I prevent myself from being able to process and heal from the true trauma. I was being asked by those that love me and those following my journey to be strong and fight for my life. I know I was wearing my badge of bravery mostly for my husband and kids. It is our job to protect them. But how much protection and at what cost? Willow (age 5) recently said to me, “mommy when I grow up I want to get cancer like you”. My jaw dropped. What she meant was she wanted to walk in 60 mile walks for cancer like me, deep breath. But in that moment something I had been searching for became clear to me. Because I was “so brave” and shared certain things so willingly I may have been dismissing and disguising my not brave feelings. I think this is super common. I do not think I am the only person, mother, wife, or friend that will have a life experience like this. But the fear of what might happen if I share these thoughts and feelings is what has kept me from sharing them. Not everyone will agree, understand, or support me sharing these thoughts and images. I’ve said it before (and repeat it to myself often) that by keeping quiet about my own feelings to protect others, I hurt myself.

Being brave came up again during radiation and the challenges I faced during that treatment. I felt like chemo was over and society told me it was time to suck it up and move on. Be brave and do all things you think you need to do to get through active treatment, beat the cancer, and you’ll be free of this devil. My bravery was pushing me towards the finish line and soon I was cancer free. But quickly the lack of bravery became consuming with the traumatic events around my breast implant illness. I found myself struggling to get back on the horse and live a normal life.In February of 2021 I had my left breast spacer removed due to breast implant illness. Something I knew nothing about when I started my reconstructive journey. Breast implant illness is an autoimmune disease developed by the body against something, in this case my implants. In April I voluntarily opted to have my right spacer also removed, becoming a flattie. Being flat was not a reconstruction option ever offered to me. It was not discussed when I meant my surgeon, it was not offered to me at the initial plastics appointment. In all honesty I was seeing my new perky breasts as a silver lining in the shity hand I was being dealt. After experiencing Breast Implant Illness I was given no choice but to take out the implants and let my body heal. I had no idea what a community I was born into leaving the surgery center flat. What I did know was that I was left looking different. I was left with a chest I couldn’t bear to have my husband see naked.

There is an entire community of breast cancer survivors and pre-vivors living with a flat chest. Those women have just as much femininity as a woman with a cup size. They give hugs on the left side so your hearts are as close as possible. They celebrate their bodies, all that they have been through and all that they will become. Being a part of this group for the last 18 months has been the most confident building experience of my life. I have learned to love every part of my body in whatever shape it’s in. I have physically felt my heart beating on the outside of my body. I learned new ways to be intimate with my husband. I found ways of giggling about Victoria’s Secret sending we miss you mail. I learn to brush off comments from other women talking about how great it is to take their bra off at the end of the day. Overall I learned how to just take life one day at a time. It’s not always what you thought it was going to be, but sometimes the universe has a way of leading you somewhere beautiful.

This “brave face feeling” has recently come back to life when I finally wrote the words “mom gets new boobs” on the monthly family calendar. Tomorrow, November 29, I will be undergoing a 8-10 hour procedure to remove tissue and skin from my belly and build breasts with it. I originally declined this procedure and opted for implants based on the length of recovery time. 6-8 weeks. I will have a hip to hip incision and both breasts will include multiple incisions. I will have drains for approximately 2 to 3 weeks. If you have not had the pleasure of those before, they are the worst things in the world! I will be in the hospital for 3 to 4 days. Unable to drive or vacuum my floors! I don’t tell you this for sympathy, but for education. This is the option I am left with if I want to have breasts. If I am being 100% honest I am experiencing serious grief about leaving the flat community and some of the support groups I have found online. I respect these women so much. Their choice to stay flat is so empowering and strong to me. But overall I feel incomplete in the way I am. I feel unfinished and scarred. I struggle to find intimacy with myself. I avoid mirrors, bath suites, and v cut tops. I miss having breasts. So I will be brave for myself this time.

I started writing this blog in October but kept leaving it unfinished. There are all these random holidays during October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. National Flat Awareness Day. National Scar Day. National Mammogram Day. All those days bring up trauma for patients like me. They hold memories, some painful, some empowering. But all the more they include a weight I find myself carrying. A pressure to share. A pressure to celebrate. When preparing for my upcoming surgery, I knew I wanted to commemorate my body just as it is before it changes again. My friend Lindsay has been along this journey with me, documenting my hair shaving and beautiful, bald head during chemo! I am so thankful to her for these pictures. They provide a form of self-confidence I didn’t know I was capable of having! I share them to bring awareness to breast cancer as a whole. I share them to be an advocate for reconstructive options, being flat is an amazing choice everyone should be offered! And I share them to inspire you to find beauty in your own journey, body, and dreams.

In closing my final advice to you is don’t rush through your pain, it’s a reminder we are alive enough to find a purpose. I look forward to sharing the rest of my journey and finding purpose in my experiences.

See you on Diep side Xo