Chemo #1

Chemotherapy. What do we know about this lovely beast anyway?

-Makes you sick -Makes you lose your hair -Kills the cancer

What more do we need to know, right?

I went into Chemo #1 nervous yet very anxious to get the train moving. I knew all the things both the doctors and those who have walked before me had shared with me. I was prepared for the worst. To not only lose all sense of my outer appearance, but to feel like you are dying while trying to save your life. All while trying to raise my babies. Heavy burdens to carry.

In an effort to both share the things that helped me (which I am hoping helps someone else) and keep my "fluffle" informed here are all the things I find noteworthy from Chemo #1 (3/3/2021).

I started my day with my favorite comfort food. Dark Horse. Breakfast burrito with chorizo, wet, salsa and sour cream. I dare you. Heaven on a plate. Anyway, breakfast with my hot hubby and then off to chemo. When you go for an "infusion" you get the pleasure of having three appointments at my office. I start with getting my port drawn, this is the painful part for me. I have easy stick arms so having them jab the needle in my chest is not my fav. From the port they can take all my labs and then leave the needle in, which they will use to give me my medicine. While I wait on labs I see my oncologist and go over any changes and symptoms. Once labs are back and you get the all clear for chemo, it's off to the comfy chairs! For my first time I got a little room with a hospital bed and a fancy potty! They must know how often I have to pee, thanks mom. Because of covid, all of this happens alone. Sad face, big time. I don't like to be alone. They did let Ryan come in to see the doctor with me and for that I am very grateful. I was happy to have him pushing me around in a wheelchair.

This was where my nervousness got the best of me. I snapped a selfie and quickly sent it off to my mother in law Lori with the question "Do I look as nervous as I feel?" She of course rose to my rescue and talked me right out of the scared part. For me, as I sat there with the IV flowing, the feeling of possibilities was overwhelming. How in the world did I end up here?!? How did this happen? How lucky am I that science is where it is? How will it be when Ava is 29? What if I am allergic to this toxic amazing medicine? STOP. Breath. I could go on all day…. seriously! People say that but I for real mean it! But at this season in my life I am finding that never before have I been in a space where the universe said "Sit the f*** down". (I need to give credit here, my bestie Kodi is the one that told me what the universe was saying, I was too busy trying to solve the problem) So again, back to the universe and its words so clear. Sit the F down. So here I sit in this bed, allowing the medicine to do its job and giving me a long and happy life. So I took deep breaths and reread text messages. And drank my water :) Time flew by and by 1:45 I was kindly escorted to my minivan charrito that took me home to rest! Thanks Lori!

Most of the evenings Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I spent sleeping. The treatment took all the energy I had, and I napped like no one's business! Saturday and Sunday I was mildly nauseous but overall felt like normal. Monday, I remember saying to myself "If this is it, I can do it". LOL Monday evening, against Ryan's wishes I decided a family walk was just what I wanted to do. About a block after passing my parents' house (4 blocks from The Wolfeee Mansion) I had to beeline it back to my parents to give back my dinner. Very classy I know. But after reliving all the times I threw up in my childhood bathroom, I pulled myself up and finished the walk home! Tuesday was much of the same but Wednesday I felt a little bit more human. My sweet friend Connie picked me up and took me to church and a light lunch of my new craving Main Street Deli's chicken salad! Thursday I was able to get lots of work done and catch up on some paperwork!

By the weekend I was feeling better physically but with that came a lot of emotional "new-ness" for me. At this point I had been taking my emotions one moment at a time and in true motherhood fashion I did not have much time to think about them up until now. I was able to get up and attend Ava's volleyball tournament with Ryan and my good friend LauraLee. It felt good to escape the reality of our chaos and enjoy some time watching my girl do what she loves. Her volleyball team wears a new bow every week and for this tournament then honored my girl and me by rocking some sweet pink flare! I was honored and humbled to have them support us. But walking into that gym was one of the hardest moments for me as a mom with cancer. Two reasons.

Reason one, how in the world did I get SO freaking lucky to have a village this darn big?! Seriously, I have always given the "it takes a village" advice at baby showers! I knew from early on (remember I was 18??) that motherhood did not come without a whole village of other mamas helping you figure your shit out. You can NOT do it alone. (But I think you are a super hero anyway friend!) I hope all my moms friends would consider me a teamplayer but I consider them valued parts of my family! But from the moment I dropped my first "I have cancer" bomb I have never stopped feeling my village. From kids, to food, my faith, even down to my recycling- my village has helped me. But in all the worlds, how did I get so lucky? So shout out to you- because if you are reading this, you are part of my village. Thank you for making my life so full.

Reason two, why is this my path? Now I want to make clear from the beginning this is not crying "why me?!" because that is one thing I do not want to ask my God. I have some very grey religious lines but asking him that question is a hard stop for me. So let me try and get my point out… Why am I here? Why is this happening, at this point in my life? My babies are little, that shit is not fair! What am I supposed to learn? Are you asking me to help others? Do I play this tough and wear my pink shirts proudly, or am I using this as a platform? At what point do I fufill this task that has been placed upon me? This is where I had my second break down. (First was when I saw my port for the first time, but more on that later!) Breakdown for me is not being able to smack on a smile and say the phrase "I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine." So this is where I started to see the end of my pre-sick lady stage. I savored the last time I saw my friend LauraLee and her daughter EmmaLee with hair. The last time I walked through the gym and no one looked at me, because I had hair on my head. Those moments were silently fueling my fear. The fear for me stemmed from not knowing how long I would feel like the "sick lady."

This leads me to Saturday night, when I sucked up my fears and put on my everythings fine smile to celebrate my best friend's birthday. The village that once carried me through high school, and parenting a baby came swooping in when they didn't even know it and carried me across what I am calling my last "girls night with hair." I ate buffalo chicken dip which I should not have done, and drank a cold slow glass of champagne, oops again, but I am trying here! We laughed about how all life's moments up until this point had been goofy mishaps and hilarious stories. I spooned my best friend and reminded myself that this village is bountiful and we together can do hard things.

Quickly came to realize there is calm before the storm. Monday and Tuesday leading up to chemo #2 were sunny and I felt like a human again! Even Ava made a point to ask me why I was so perking and what I was trying to hide. I guess I am not a good liar. I knew the week ahead was going to be a tough one so I made sure to say "yes" a couple extra times and enjoy some yummy normal food! And lots of snuggles! One foot in front of the other! xoxo