Find your Co-survivors and CELEBRATE!

 Holy cow! Another anniversary is upon me. Yesterday marked two years since learning of the cancer growing in my body. Last year I was still extremely sick in between hospital visits and preparing for an explant surgery. I didn’t feel like celebrating anything! I saw the day as the beginning of the nightmare. The end. This year as the day came closer I felt excited about the idea of making this day what I want it to be. It’s an accomplishment to survive life two years after being diagnosed. I know people who never made it a full year after being diagnosed before succumbing to their disease. I am so thankful to be here. So I started to think about what I wanted to do with the day. I could celebrate, spent the day in bed crying, so many options of emotions. Then I got to thinking this day really isn’t a ending point for me. But it was a starting point, therefore an ending point of that first year. Like a child’s first birthday. That year belongs to my people. My co-survivors. After all, the day I was diagnosed my co survivors started surviving too! So from this year on I will spend today, February 8th my diagnosis day, celebrating the people that mean everything to me. My CO-SURVIVORS. 

Co surviving is a term used to describe the family and friends closest to the patient, surviving the daily havoc cancer spreads through a family. I thought I knew who my co-survivors would be from day one. There were a few people I deemed this title to myself, only to find out it wasn’t a title I think they were interested in holding or could not hold. Again you don’t know until you know! I also did not realize in the beginning of my diagnosis that I was creating a team of people who would still be fighting with me two years later. Even though my cancer is in remission, to which I am extremely thankful, I am not yet done with my cancer journey. I have been left with two concave holes in my chest. I take a daily hormone medication, which comes with a laundry list of side effects. And my body is still working on gaining the strength I lost over the course of my treatment. I’m still trying to survive! So naturally I assumed my co-survivors should be at my side. I have had people “drop-off” here and there. Life has altered their priorities, to let me be the first to say there are no hard feelings. I appreciate everything everyone has done for me from Day1. Your kindness will never be forgotten. But when preparing my “Co-Survivor” celebration this year, nine people came to mind. So I treated those 9 people to something special, to celebrate the fact that they have survived two years of life with Emily’s cancer.  

You know my #1, Let’s talk about Ryan for a minute. Talk about marriage! Every day a person gets out of their bed and they look at their spouse and they decide whether or not they want to continue their life with that person. Whether or not you knowledgeably do it your body subconsciously makes that decision every single day. When cancer is brought into the relationship that thought in the morning becomes a thought at the doctors office, whiling watching your spouse receive toxin through an IV, helping person out of bed after countless surgeries, I don’t think I need to go on from here….You get the idea. When one’s spouse can no longer take care of themselves fully they are now relying on you for their own existence. All that shit gives a person a reason to leave. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. The gratitude I have for Ryan will never fully be expressed in words. Our relationship has grown in ways neither of us ever saw coming. Things that were maybe once a hot topic seem to not exist anymore. We’re always a little bit more honest than we were before my diagnosis because after all we’re lucky to have today. Ryan did not have to stay. He could have chosen a different path for himself. But he stuck to his vows and held my hand and carried me when necessary through the finish line. And even though we’ve only made it through one of many finish lines we will have in our lifetime I never fear that he won’t be there for the rest of them. Thanks baby! I love you so much. 

#2, #3, and #4 My babies. I feel a small amount of guilt everyday for how fast they had to grow up. It’s not my fault but it's my problem. I have found good boundaries of expressing my sadness about it without letting guilt eat me up. Today I listened to each of my daughters recall what they remember about the day I told them I had breast cancer, which is the same day I was told by the doctor myself. It was raw to hear what they remember. Ava a tad more than Ali, Willow nothing. Ava remembers having no fear while I was at a quick appointment that lasted 5 hours, but says she had a dream days before that I had breast cancer. After we shared memories I told them how proud I was of them. Reminded them that on December 23rd of year year we celebrate mommy and the hard things she did to beat cancer. But that from this year on, on February 8th we would be celebrate them. Because having a mom with cancer is hard, and they survived. 

#5 and #6 My parents. There is so much stress as a parent. Ryan and I often joke about how we can’t wait to be grandparents! All the perks and then you send them home. These grandparents stepped up. Not only did they help with our kids when we needed it but they also made time for me. My mom was consistently checking off my to-do list and reminding me to take it easy. I had a problem, there she was. And my dad, a man of little words, was always good for a pizza and beer night followed by shit talking during euchre at my dining room table. 

#7 My friend Su. There is something to be said about people who go out of their way to make someone know they are thought of. And that's what Su does for me. She has random facebook messages, ice cream gift cards in the mail, a funny meme on facebook, you name it she’s done it. Once she picked up my laundry! Saint. She is always thinking of me, and that means so much to me. 

#8 My best friend, Kodi. She has a whole blog post coming so stay tuned. But I would like to note here I think she should write a book titled “How to be the Universe's best friend to your friend with cancer” She breathes the air into my lungs everyday. 

#9 VL (My second mom) She has been keeping my secrets for decades, therefore she has to be called mom here. This woman has been sending me a text once a week for 104 weeks. And for 104 weeks I have never doubted that I matter to someone. Which when cancer is robbing you of everything you know, feeling like you matter is crucial. 

So cheers to these people the people who gave me some thing to fight for. The people who surrounded me with love and constant reminders that I can do this. I fought so hard because of the love you surrounded me with. Please take a moment to reach out to patients in your life. See how you can be a co-survivor to those you care about. We all have trama, and we all need support to heal from that trama. Thanks for being with me xoxo