I have the "C" word.

Hi. I'm not sure how to write this one, there was no outline, so here it is in all its glory. I have been putting it off because I know I waited too long and there is so much to say. I want to share this info mostly to be honest with those who want to listen (I think our society lies way too much) and because if it helps just one darn person, it will be worth it. I am not Wonder Woman, but I sure wish I was that cool. So here it is the "timeline" version of my diagnosis.

Back in the early fall of 2020, after spending months not feeling myself, I finally called and saw a family doctor to have a physical and bloodwork done. I had never seen a primary care physician in my adult life. I see my OBGYN every year and I have birthed 3 babies. That's all we have time for right? Yup. So I gave her the laundry list of "symptoms'' I had been having since Willow's birth in 2018. I won't bore you with that list, but overall I just didn't feel right. We ran my blood work and gave some meds a try to help with the stomach and nausea problems I was having. Nothing medically explained my feeling that something was wrong. But my mind persisted and I am glad it did.

Here is the part where I get honest but with you and myself. I felt the lump. It showed up around the same time I saw the family doctor. It took me a couple weeks to arrive at accepting it was not just my normal breast tissue. I phoned a friend, because having your best friend feel your boob makes it so much more real. Sure enough it was there, and she suggested I call my OBGYN. So I made an appointment with a new doctor, she was a month out. I feel it necessary to mention here that I switched OBGYN doctors at the beginning of this because I have been complaining to my previous lady doctor since Willow was born that I was not feeling right and no one listened. Medically there was no reason to believe I wasn't and my original OBGYN didn't suggest any further testing or follow-up. I am half and half on this topic. Should I have pushed harder or should they have sent me for more testing that could have not been necessary? God's time people. Speaking of His time, I tested positive for Covid the week of my OB appointment. Guess what? She was still a month out. So 2 months later I finally saw a new OBGYN and she sent me to have an ultrasound that day. Lucky someone cancelled (God's time) and I was able to be seen the next day.

Ultrasound Wednesday. I was not scared. I had been here before, 2 years prior and nothing was found. So I knew what to expect. I snapped a selfie and told myself I would be glad I had it if this turned into more. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be a fibroid tumor. Marked in my finding report as a "Low suspicion of malignancy" tumor. What concerned the radiologist was that my lypmphodes were presenting swollen. My ultrasound tech was completely delightful and led me to a room where "Dr B" greeted me with a smile and allowed me to view my images. I knew the word "biopsy" was coming. I was not taken to the room last time. He was kind and used all words that were familiar to me. I scheduled the double biopsy (the tumor and the nodes would be sampled) for the week following. I was afraid to tell my family. I did not want anyone's opinion, and if I did not tell others it wasn't true right?

Biopsy Thursday. I went to my appointment alone, but was sure to pack my bunny slippers (gift from my sweet friend Aaron) for comfort. I was first taken for a mammogram. Let me say, ladies it's really not that bad! If you have been skipping that appointment please for the love of all things holy, CALL AND SCHEDULE IT! I have birthed babies, and that is much worse than having your boob smashed. Then I was introduced to my "care team" and these two women were just the perfect people to be by my side during this time. They had me distracted from the moment she started until it was all over. But, ouch. Having a large needle shoved into my armpit (lymphnodes) was worse than anything I have done so far! Home I went to rest! There was no resting.

Find out Friday, because I am impatient :). I have no patience. I checked my online portal every hour on the hour until that damn biopsy report was posted. And I don't remember hardly anything until the following Monday when the words came out of the doctor's mouth. It wasn't real until she said it. I do know that I called Kodi first and said, does it say the words I am reading? Infiltrating ductal carcinoma. Lymph Nodes confirm metastatic spread. GREAT. I did not know as much as I know now, but I did know enough to know that report was about to change it all. I have the "C" word.

Messed Up Monday. I think I will save you the long story of that meeting. In part because I cannot spell half the words used in that room. In total I learned I had cancer, was given a book of information, and used Ryan as a crutch out the door. He promptly drove me to The Fern, ordered me fries with a side of ranch and a Blue Moon. Then we joked about those fake boobs I have always said I wanted and put one foot in front of the other. I will repeat that one because it really got me through those first few days, We put one foot in front of the other. We were so lucky in this moment that these big words were not new to us, that sounds weird I know. We were able to make choices, like my doctors, pretty confidently and got the ball rolling fast.

The never ending week. I will catch up and write some detailed posts on certain things, but for the time being, here is the rest of the month of February leading to starting chemotherapy.

My first MRI experience. I did not think I was claustrophobic but I am thinking about becoming it! It was sweet they asked me what kind of music I listened to, but I couldn't hear a thing! Findings were that the cancer was only in my left breast and a cluster of nodes. Great news!

I was also sent to Blanchard Valley for a full body bone scan and a full chest and abdomen CT scan. I had to sit at the hospital for 2 hours after a dye injection, so I brought good company. My girl, Kodi. We rocked in the lobby and soaked up the sun! My appointments happened to be on the only blizzard of the winter! But that meant Kodi and I got in lots of time together without many interruptions!

Aren't my people cute?!? I have just take a moment to shout THANK YOU to everyone who has helped with our girls.

It takes a village! I cannot ever thank these people in my life enough.

Port Placement 2-24-21

It was worse than I thought it would be! I couldn't lift my arm up very high which was inconvenient. And I couldn't pick up Willow, we both didn't like that part! My sissy, Jennifer came home and took good care of me! I was awake during it which I was not expecting so I had a whole Grey's Anatomy thing happening :)

And last (but not least) I had a heart ultrasound done at the hospital to make sure my ticker was healthy before chemo. I took my momma to this appointment! At the very same moment we shared a giggle and said at the same time "This is NOT as much fun when it's not a little baby heart you're listening to". Clear bill of health for my heart from that doctor too #blessed

You made it to the end! Brain break! We will catch up soon! xoxo