In sickness and in health.

Today (714-21) was a good day. My mom and I put this date on the calender, close to the end of my chemo treatments, just for us. No other guests and no plan till we could see how I was feeling on that day. We made plans to visit The Schedel Gardens in Elmore, Ohio. My mom had been there before but only for an event so we were ready to take it all in with no time frame. The gardens were beautiful. So many tall trees, thriving succulents, and swans! While I love to look at flowers and take pictures of them, I don't plant them, water them, and I am horrible at keeping them alive. (I do babies very well, just saying). So going to gardens, waterfalls, or anything nature driven is all about the vibes for me. The quiet. The way the wind bends branches but doesn't always break them. When we were visiting the Chinese tree garden I happened to run into the man, who's name I forget (chemo brain), pruing his trees. I admired how tiny all these trees stay. They were beautiful. The oldest tree there was 90 years old and stood about 2 feet tall. There were a few branches that looked dead but overall this old ass tree looked like a baby. How is that possible? So I asked! (I am getting good at starting conversations with random strangers.) He shared with me that every 3 years they change the soil in the planter and cut out all the "elder" roots leaving only the baby roots to provide the tree with nutrients. Baby roots grow baby trees. Makes sense to me. After walking around the garden mom treated me to lunch at Christy's Corner Cafe in Elmore. There are a handful of very cool shops to stop and see. After lunch the busy morning got the best of me and I was quite tired so we headed back for home. I am thankful for a morning with little nausea and no body aches so I was able to enjoy an adventure. I am also thankful to have my mom. I can't imagine this season of my life without her by my side.

While admiring nature I thought a lot about appearances. This season of my life has been physically and mentally challenging in many ways. The outside appearance of myself since being diagnosed has been quite the roller coaster. I haven't been as open about it along the way because I did not want to make my body the elephant in the room. I am not proud of all the ways I am carrying my body through this phase of life but where I am. Just trying to stay alive. I have started using the daily affirmation "This is my temporary body." The physical changes are side effects of chemotherapy and I will not live in this phase of treatment much longer.

At the beginning of chemotherapy I was able to keep up most of my stamina, but that did not last long. I do not "work out" on a regular basis but walking is my thing and I do that regularly in the spring when I start training for The 3 Day. This year I was unable to start training like normal due to treatment. I had planned to start walking after my AC chemo (the first kind) was done but after a couple light walks I realized I was not going to be able to deal with the side effects that followed. Headaches, fatigue, and nausea. The trifecta! I can normally go for a brisk 2-3 mile walk any given evening, the big block (about ½ mile) is about all I can handle right now. I was quite surprised how tired walking up the stairs could make me. I never thought about how the chemo would "age" my physical being. Most doctors do believe that at such a young age I will be able to gain that back and work my way back to those long walks in no time. So thankful for that.

My major and most annoying physical side effect of chemo has been bone pain and body aches. I feel like I have the flu for days at a time. It has been pretty consistent on visiting but doesn't stay or come at the same time between chemos. It normally presents as a headache and moves to body pains within a day. I have always suffered from headaches so this isn't a new battle. I like to use essential oils and see my chiropractor to help combat the pain. From what I understand from some research and talking with my oncologist, my body (and bones) are working hard to keep my bone marrow up which is keeping me on the path to recovery! Hooray for my insides, the human body is a beautiful thing!

So next on the list is…..weight gain. There I said it. I am sad about this part. I beat myself up about this part. I blame my onlogist and his stupid steriods. I cry because of my hormones. I think I was with the majority when I admit that I was expecting to go the other way, chemo diet not chemo gain. I gained 5 pounds right out of the gate and when I confronted my male doctor he told me it was the steroids and that I was doing everything right. Then I hit 10 pounds and I lost my shit. I had not changed my eating habits and at this point I was still getting out and about on a regular basis. This same week I saw the nurse practitioner, a woman, who said just what I needed to hear. She looked right at me and in gentle words said something along the lines of "Let me guess, the 150 pound male doctor forget to warn you of this….Girlfriend, you have cancer and we are pumping you full of poison and meds, then we are going to put you through a major surgery, then we are going to mess with your hormones, and then we will get you to whatever weight you feel healthy at again." God bless you sweet woman. This is what I needed to hear. This is what I remind myself almost everytime I look into the mirror.

Looking in the mirror… something I avoid these days. I really felt good about my appearance once I accepted the weight gain but that came trashing down when my eyebrows and lashes started falling out. This is a recent development! I kept most my "eye area hair" and that kept me feeling pretty good about the physical appearance people saw. I had a nice tan going on my face and most of the time people would compliment that I looked good. That sounds conceited but when you feel like shit all day everyday being told you dont look like you feel like shit is a huge compliment. But as of late I only see a tired, more swollen version of myself. I am struggling to do my makeup to make myself look like I have facial hair, which is annoying because for 3 years I TAUGHT a class on it. How silly was I! I am also very discouraged by my hair growth. I have done some blog surfing and it seems like I am "behind" on this front which is just my body's way of doing its thing. But that doesn't make the current hurt sting any less. The beginning of the end is in sight and I know that after next week I will be able to kiss some of my symptoms goodbye forever instead of till next week!

Today is our anniversary. 5 years! We had hoped and always talked about being trip people on the 5's. I was sad to not be able to sneak away this year but Wolfe is being a perfect gentleman and keeping me happy at home where I need to be. This is hard. This is not what people plan for themselves. I know we are not the first couple and we won't be the last. There is a new level of bonding with you throw cancer into the mix. I do believe Wolfe meant his vows when we got married "in sickness and in health" and I am very thankful that he is now showing me he meant them. There is no better validation in the world than your spouse continuing to love you even when you feel the ugliest you have ever felt in your life.

Wolfe is not much of a talker, so this week when he FINALLY got to come to chemo with me I asked him to take pictures during the day for a blog. Here is what he sees when he is watching me. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

This is not our forever. We have many more 5's to celebrate in the future babe. I love you Wolfeee. Xoxo