Is saying goodbye to cancer ever really goodbye?

Hi friend or family member,

Or maybe you and I have never met, but you have been praying for me or following my journey. And in my world that makes us friends. So friend, thank you. All of you prayer warriors and good vibe throwing friends helped me get to the finish line. And then there was a fork in the road. I barely got to say goodbye to cancer before life got flipped upside down again because of my cancer. You never really get to move on huh?

I am on Day 6 of being in the hospital due to an infection. I developed cellulitis on my cancer boob. I was prescribed oral antibiotics at home and after 6 days it only worsened, so I was admitted to a hospital in Columbus where my plastic surgeon could keep an eye on me. So far I have had 20 bags of 2 kinds of antibiotics, 2 ultrasounds, 5 IV changes (my veins are so ruined from chemo so my veins are too weak to hold the needle for two long, and a whooping 22 tubes of blood drawn. Ryan went home Wednesday night to see the kids and get a refill of supplies. Unfortunately when he left we found out that I couldn't replace him as my guest, so now I wait for progress alone. Alone is not my favorite. But it also allows me time to write and process all my feelings. It's been a long time since I was able to start and finish a whole blog for you all!! And for me. I have been struggling on how to catch up with the time I have missed and how to form a path to where I want to go.

We will start with where I have been. Weird to think I have been riding the cancer merry-go-round for almost a year. I was able to finish radiation on December 23rd, officially putting my cancer into remission! What a special accomplishment. I celebrated with my immediate family dinner and an ice cream bar with some of the people who have supported me. Radiation was hard. 5 days a week I would load up all three kids, drop the big girls off at school and Willow at daycare then head to the treatment center. I would wait in the car for the team inside to call when it was my turn, I would go in, do a temp check, undress from the waist up and get laid out on the table. Some days I would get treatment, other days I would be denied treatment because of the way my skin presented. The underside of my breast was almost always a deep purple and overly tight. Once about half way through I had to see my surgeon to have fluid removed from my spacer aka boob. It took me 59 days to complete my 33 treatments but all in all we got her done! Right before I finished radiation I had 2 minor surgeries (one to remove my port and the other to remove my tubes and ovaries). Both the operations went well but I did not recover well at home. First I had a reaction to the glue and all my glue peeled off which opened some of my incisions. First came a yeast infection. That led to me getting an infection, so a round of antibiotics. 24 hours after starting the antibiotic I was covered head to toe in hives. It was SO itchy! Following all that I had one week back to work under my belt and I was starting to feel human. Sounds like an easy task but for me (and I am sure many others) feeling human does not happen everyday. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to be a glass half empty person and so many areas of life I am not, but when it comes to my health and cancer, I find myself feeling like a pessimist.! I just cannot catch a break. So after one week of being human I saw my oncologist for a monthly visit. He did a chest wall exam (which is something you have to continue to do like non-diagnosed people because you can still get cancer again). He did not like the way my left breast presented. It was red with 1 open scabby looking area and warm to the touch. He sent me know with a RX for an oral antibiotic and said to follow up if wasn't looking better. By Thursday I was in so much pain, experiencing body aches, and a massive headache everyday last week. So I saw my radiation oncologist on Thursday who sent me to my surgeons Friday. We agreed to try a stronger oral medication but they warned me if it didn't work I would need to be admitted. Sunday after texts of my very angry boob I was sent to Columbus for a "couple days". So as of now we pray the medicine works and my body heals so I can head home soon.

Finishing the end of my treatment and removing the "cancer nametag" from myself, I found myself in a place of the unknown. I was excited to rip that shit off and toss it in the trash but at the same time it's such a heavy weight I am not sure how to balance my life now. Both emotionally, physically, and socially. My cancer name tag might be gone but I am still fighting to normalize my body after all the trauma it endured. How do you take all that pain and make a purpose out of it? I thought while I was in treatment my purpose was to share all the pain cancer can cause but also provide current thrivers with hope. Now that I am on the other side of that I cannot find answers to my thoughts. I can't just pick up right where I left off but with the help of my family I can blossom again and move forward. So my focus and purpose has changed.

What do I blog about now? This is my safe space, the place I come to when the world around me gets too much. It took me getting cancer to realize that all the things that make me happy were slowly being paralyzed by my anxieties and I was on the path to complete disaster. But here we are. I get a second chance to live the life I have imagined. Be the mom, friend, wife, and stanger I strive to be. This year I will be using my blog to share our families progress on these three goals along with continuing to share cancer resources and stories.

Wolfeee Family Goals for 2022 :

1. Be Healthy

2. Be Confident

3. Be Thankful

We choose these goals for very specific reasons. Cancer destroys you body and takes away your energy leaving you "unhealthy". I was too fatigued most of the time to remember my own name so I for sure was not paying attention to my children's (or husband's) habits. Takeout became a norm and slowly but surely I quit cooking which means my kids where not learning how to cook. We spent many weekends in pjs and watching Disney+ for hours. This year we will regroup and be healthy again in all sorts of ways. Eating habits, exercise, mental health, and communication are all ways one can be healthy. Cancer also strips your outside identity. For me it was losing my hair and gaining weights from my steroids. If mom is in yoga pants everyday with undone hair or makeup the kids adapted to what they saw which was me not feeling confident enough in my outside appearance. So this year we will all work on dressing for success and changing what does not suit your confidence. And our final goal. Gratitude. Y'all know this word. It pops up everywhere! But how often are we actually showing it? Not just feeling it but saying out loud that you're thankful. I want to share a story that helped me see that I was not showing others (outside my family or close friends) my gratitude. Around Christmas we were gifted a large Christmas and part of those gifts where gift cards. So a couple weeks later I made my way to Kroger to fill our bare shelves. I loaded that cart with staples and some treats for everyone. When the cashier started to scan and I watched the total ding up. With tears in my eyes I swiped the card, it covered all our groceries. How lucky am I? The cashier looked confused and concerned. Did I tell her my story? Share with her that while my bank account was running low I was able to buy these groceries for my family without sweat. No I didn't. And by the time I drove the 5 blocks home I realized the universe was setting me up with the perfect time to share the good and instead I walked away. Shame on me. I won't make that mistake again. This year we will work on health, confidence, and being grateful enough for all those things that we will never hesitate to share our good news with others.

I’m so excited for what I have to share with you this year! Even with a rough start, 2022 is our year. The last couple of months I continually put my effort into something that didn’t 100% feel was right. I love being here. I love blogging but there was something missing. It felt forced to write sometimes. Like what I was writing about was the wrong thing. I would like to add a very important note here that not all my blogs were “forced”. I felt very empowered when I was able to put words to some of the hard shit. The things not all patients choose to share. I am proud of the foundation I have built over the last 9 months. Now I’m here moving into survivorship and all of that hard work got me what I needed. It got me you, an audience and now I have this very special journey to share. A journey to finding natural happiness. Xoxo