My Hair Journey #hairbychemo

Warning: I want to be sensitive to you. Not everyone, including my Ali kat, wants to see my naked, bald head. There is a picture of me with no covering at the end of this post. Please scroll according to your wishes.

Alright, it's time to dust off these thoughts and fix my bad spelling and be honest. It is after all what I promised to do. I am going to leave it mostly the way it has pieced itself together for the honest part. Please be sensitive when you read the words I share. I once showed a woman, who I only knew professionally at the time, a photo of myself and my eldest daughter moments after she was born. Reminder: I was 18. I was a baby having a baby. And this woman looked at me and said, "wow, you look terrified and very tired." No shit sherlock. From that moment on I have become extremely vulnerable about how I was looked at as a mother. I believe in that whole "strong women raising strong women" ways and my children see my flaws on the daily. But other moms, I am extremely careful who I let see my flaws. And now I am talking to the internet. I am not sure if this is how I was taught, because I believe my mother has no flaws (Love you mommy!) or what society tells me to do. But I do! I am even doing it now as I endure some of the most dangerous drugs on the planet. I am hiding my shortcomings on the daily. Yes, shame on me. I would like to note here, I am not on this earth to say which is right and which is wrong. You do you. Just dont judge me while I do it. Be kind. ANYWAY! I am vulnerable and I am sweating while hitting the publish button. So on to the hair……

My feelings before the big shave.

I was not that worried about losing my hair. It is temporary and it grows back! That was not my biggest concern about having to have chemo. But what I was afraid and upset about was how my children were going to handle it! Willow cries when I straighten my hair. How would she react when there was no hair there?! I was worried that Ali wouldn't want to be snuggly with me. Would my Grandma Peg recognize me as her dementia worsens? (who I haven't talked about too much yet, but that's because I am struggling. She has always been my biggest supporter and as her memory starts to leave her the more we have to adapt our relationship with each other). About a week before I shaved my head one of Willow's friends at daycare said to me "my mommy told me you're going to look sick." Out of the mouth of babes! But in all reality I wasn't worried for myself as much as I was for my babies. So as the big day approached I became more nervous about how I would handle it also. My biggest questions: Would Ryan still be attracted to me? And would I find the confidence to walk through a crowd and not notice how many people looked my way?

Day 1

Shaving my head is something I chose to take control over. I am a control freak, I admit it. So when it came to losing my hair I took control. I gathered the group of support women I needed and picked a date. Heather (Ryan's little sister) opened her salon to me, my mothers, best friend, Ryan, and Ava bean. I also was given the honor of having a local photographer, Lindsay from Country Roads Photography, there to document the occasion. I knew even if those pictures showed the worst pain, Willow and Ali might want to see them some day. I also had hoped that someone would see those photos (power of the internet) and feel a bit braver about their own hair loss. I had chemo the morning of the big shave so I was quite tired and had a headache from hell. We started by parting out and rubber banding the sections of hair I could donate. I do not color my hair and it was long enough that I was able to donate 13 inches to Wigs for Kids. My oldest daughter, Ava, mother, best friend, and mother in law all took a turn cutting off a ponytail. This part was not hard for me. I have cut off my hair short before and so this look was no different. The moment the clippers turned on I felt my strong will to not cry fall away. Ryan started and took a good couple clumps of hair off and then passed the torch back to Heather who finished shaving what was left of my hair. This part is a blur of tears, fears, and hugs. We all shared jokes about what a good head shape I had and got a good look at each cowlick I have. At the end of it all I was pounds of hair lighter and now a "sick person". I know not having hair does not mean you are a sick person, but in all reality I have looked at a person with no hair and wondered what was "wrong" with them. Now I am in the hot seat. I wanted to add a good advice section here, telling you what to say to your friend who has cancer. But I have nothing. There is nothing right and nothing wrong but I can say, do not ignore it. Your friend's feelings will come and go, be up and down. All over in fact. So just be kind and don't complain about your hair to your friend with no hair, that's mean!

Seeing the babies was not half as bad as I thought it would be! Ali was very nervous about me not having hair. Lori had given her a book about a little girl who wondered where her mom's hair was. Reading that helped start the conversation! She welcomed me home with a big hug and a nervous smile. Ali to this day has not seen me without a head covering on. She asks constantly when my hair will be making a comeback. I wonder if this is also my love. Willow was asleep when we arrived back home from the salon so she did not see me till morning. She was eating breakfast with Ryan when I came downstairs. I walked in and was greeted with her warm giggly smile. This morning I was also created with a nervous pitched laugh and it lasted like what felt like eternity. Then she said "mommy I like your new haircut". And she has been giggling about my "daddy haircut" since. Innocent souls. Willow enjoys checking my head for growth daily where Ali prefers to talk about my hair in a future tense. (Bonus info I shaved my armpits on day 1 and have not touched them since! If you're a woman reading this, be jealous! Oh so jealous. Sorry, not sorry)

Day 2. On this day I was not recognized by someone I knew in public. Lori warned me of this. We had shared tears over the conversation, because she knew it would happen. I knew it was going to happen too but nothing could have prepared me for this moment! I have no hard feelings towards this person! In their defense once I have my hat and mask on I am in total incognito. But it still hurt my pride. Made me start to think about how many people in the store I make eye contact with? I do say hello to fellow shoppers and Willow always attracts lots of friends. But how many times do we mean it when we ask "how are you"? Food for thought.

Day 4 and 5 : I spent time with Ryan alone and experienced a lot of emotion first. My first dinner in a restaurant, sleeping in a bed with Ryan, taking a shower, and seeing my dad for the first time. My dad and I have a very special relationship that is mostly based on moments of silence and teary eyed stares. He is a man of little words but he can ease my soul just by the way he looks at me. I am a daddy's girl. Seeing him was hard because we were not alone but that also kept us both from doing a good ugly cry!! I also saw my sister Rachael who came down to keep our girls for the weekend! God bless her soul! Ryan took me out of town for my first dinner out so I didn't have to see people I knew. People did tend to look at me alot more than normal but overall it was not as awkward as I expected. Showers are a bit different! I absolutely love the way the shower water hits my head. I love a good hot steamy shower and it has quickly turned into something I do every night! Because my hair was so thick I normally have to shower in the morning. This weekend was the last time I gave any hair on my legs a shave. It is definitely thinner but I still have to touch them up now and again!

Week 2

Chemo #3 was this week. This week brought on new progress in the actual balding of my head. My buzzed hair started falling out in clumps. Small clumps of tiny half inch hairs were falling out all day long! They would stick in my hats and itch my neck all day long. The other weird symptom Lori had warned me about is that your skin aches. It feels tight and super sensitive all day. It was like a velvet Christmas dress, it felt great to rub one way but is ruff and unsmooth the other way. I had a massage this week and when she rubbed my neck and head it hurt so bad I had to ask her to stop and hold back the tears! She was oh so professional and kind about it. The pain was intense and was worse in the evenings after wearing a cap all day. I prefer sleeping with nothing on my head but as it is spring in Ohio I sometimes do get cold and have to put on a stocking cap! I still have eyebrows, and thinner lashes. My lashes tend to stick out in all different wacky directions.

Week 3:

This week my emotions got the best of me most days. I would stare a little longer in the mirror and wonder when I would feel "sexy" again. My largest physical feature had been stripped of me. The one thing about me people normally complimented me on was gone. Yet I was being stared at more times than ever before. And a reminder I was a teenage mom so I got my fair shares of stares before. Flashback story: One time I thought my sister Rachel was going to slap a b**** in Elder Berman when we were black Friday shopping! She was whispering and pointing at my big belly. My sister Rachel would gladly slap someone for me and I love her for that! I mostly did not enjoy that I looked like I had leprosy on my head. I had large balding spots and because my hair is so dark when it's short it appeared alot like spots. I took a lot of showers and made Ryan tell me I was pretty extra times a day! Less pain but still not normal when it comes to my scalp. I have discovered this week that I am much more comfortable in beanie style hats than I am in scarfs! I was not expecting that! Guess I should buy a new clothing wardrobe, right babe??? :)

Week 4

Chemo #4 (Last AC treatment!) I am down to the last few head hairs! I have a small patch like a bald newborn (or balding old man) on my lower neck and one swirl right up front. I did suck up my pride and had Ryan give me an all over clean up. It was a new level of comfort for us. Seeing your spouse completely stripped of her physical appearance is not something I thought I would ever experience with Ryan. I know without a doubt Ryan would love me no matter what my body looked like but that doesn't make the experience any less painful. He has been more than supportive through this whole process and I can't thank him enough! Thank you babe, I love you the mostest. Chemo #4 hit me harder than the third. I have been down for the count and getting fluids 3 times a week. I mostly have body pain, headaches, nausea, and mild dehydration. Last week all I wanted to drink was Powerade and this week it's grape juice! I still have a small amount of lashes and brows. I am missing being on the road and seeing all my clients. The end is in sight and all the support and prayers my family is continuing to receive is getting me out of bed in the morning! Thank you again!

I have decided to share a photo of my bald and steroid puffy self. Not for you, but for all the women and men who will take this journey after me. May you find a fluffle that supports and loves you as much as I have had. May you feel beautiful in every phase of your cancer journey. It is a slow moving train so don't forget to enjoy the ride. xoxo