So your loved one has cancer… now what? EmBabe’s Guide to supporting a loved one.
- Emily Wolfe
- Jun 13, 2023
- 4 min read
Hi friends! I have been putting off writing this blog forever. I really don’t know why, I think it is mostly because it feels like opening old wounds. It has been 855 days since Ryan and I heard the words “it’s breast cancer”. That’s crazy. How much has happened in those 800 days. I get messages quite often from people I know, family members, friends, and complete strangers all seeking the same advice. How do I support my loved one when they are faced with a cancer diagnosis? This week alone I have received three messages, one each day of the week. So after feeding everyone dinner and cleaning up the kitchen tonight I felt drawn to my computer. I knew I needed to pound out a blog sharing my advice for my dear friends.
First off let me give you a virtual hug and express my condolences that you and your loved one were dealt this hand. I am so sorry to hear that your loved one is joining this “club”. This sucks. There are no perfect words. No perfect list of things to put in a care package. Every person and every diagnosis are different. I can only offer you the advice that worked for myself and the members of my family that have shared their feelings with me. I hope you find this “guide” helpful and that it helps you navigate this difficult time.
(Because I do not want to say “your loved one” ten million times, our friend Stan will be playing the person you are here to support.)
Things to say:
THIS FUDGING SUCKS. Up just like that. Be a safe space right off the bat for Stan to be real with. Not everything about cancer is colored ribbons and 5ks. There are dark places cancer will take Stan, and if you want to support him you need to be able to hear the bad stuff too, if that’s for you. If not just encourage them to find a person to “vent to”.
How can I support you? This is a very open ended question. It opens the door for Stan to say he needs physical help, or maybe a certain spiritual request. This is a way to be available no matter how you’re needed.
You are loved/ thought of/ cared for/ seen. You get the idea. Cancer can be a very lonely place. Reminding Stan you are thinking of him is a big deal.
Things NOT to say:
How are you? Oh, please stop using this phrase in general. It is not a good thing to ask. It pretty just makes Stan repeat how he is feeling (which is normally like shit) ten times a day. And really, when you ask, do you care? Or is it a generic thing to say?
You’re healthy, you’ll get through this. Or anything along the lines of Stan’s health. You are not helping and you are addressing something you may not know everything about. Stan has cancer, no matter what shape he was in when diagnosed he is in for a wild ride. (Seriously, people said this to me.)
I will pray for you. I know this sounds weird and if you are the praying type, do not take offense! You can pray for whoever you want, whenever you want. (If you are praying for me, know I appreciate it so much. This is not personal, it’s from listening to others stories.) So anyway, back to praying, not everyone is the praying type. Not everyone wants you to pray for them. So unless they ask, or you ask and they give permission, keep your prayers to you and God.
Ways to show support without overstepping:
Offer. Offer to grab groceries while you are at the store. Offer to pick up the kids if you are also going to pick up. Offer dinner. Offer to grab coffee. Offer to take their recycling.(My mother in law did this every week while I was doing chemo and it was SO helpful!) Point is just an offer. If Stan says no, you tried and you cannot do anything more than try.
Sometimes, no more than once a week in my opinion, do a random act of kindness. Send a card. Porch drop a frozen pizza. Venmo money for dinner. Send a silly GIF. There are a million acts of kindness, just pick one.
Offer to drive them to treatment or appointments. Sometimes this is very helpful. Asking for help is hard and asking for a ride as a grown adult is even harder.
If Stan has kids, please offer to take the kids. I hated asking people to hate my kids, but worse I hated having to tell my kids I could not do things when I didn’t feel well.
Listen to what Stan tells you he wants. This seems very simple but it can be tricky. There are all these “celebrations” and weird cancer trends that are happening thanks to social media. Not everyone is into that. Make sure you are listening to what Stan says he wants in regards to his cancer.
Helpful items to put in a care package:
General Cancer Care:
Coloring Books and Markers
Blanket
Meal Gift Cards
Chemotherapy:
Nausea Sticks https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DBXXDGB/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_27HFDCMQGWR3BQW2HTTY?linkCode=ml2&tag=wolfeeepack05-20
Shower Steamers https://amzn.to/43U3GI0
Lip Balm
Puke Bags (Funny, not funny. I will always have these in my purse and car now) https://amzn.to/43Sdbr4
Radiation
Body Butter
Aloe Plant
However you support Stan, I know he will appreciate it. Cancer can be scary and lonely. Any light and love you are able to bring into his life may make all the difference in his healing journey. You are a good person for reading this and making space for learning and growing. I am sending light, love, and healing vibes to you and your loved one. Xoxo
This is me and my parents on my 30th birthday! I had received my fifth chemo that morning. We threw a huge fiesta for dinner. It was the best! They have been my biggest supporters 💓
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