Telling my children I have cancer.

I haven't shared too much about my husband and kids because I often try to parent and partner without forming opinions for them. So from my perspective here is how I am handling cancer and motherhood. There is no hood like motherhood and the same is true for "cancerhood". This is one of those phases you want to forget but it is also the beginning of a new type of life for myself and my children so I want to remember it. I want them to remember all the "good" parts, but chances are the hard stuff is what they will remember. The hair loss, the sick days, the being at the doctor all the time, the pain. I know I am not doing everything the right way, but I am doing the best I can and I hope my girls see and remember that.

Ryan and I decided to tell all the girls at the same time and follow up one by one as they processed the information. Following my pathology results appointment I went to meet my surgeon as he had no other openings that week. That meant we did not arrive back home until much later than planned. Ava the hound was already sniffing around. She knew something was up! We sat down in the living room and I said something like this…

"You girls know how mommy spends a lot of time and energy raising all that money for breast cancer? Well I am very thankful we have done that because now I need that research and knowledge to take care of myself. Today mommy's doctor told her she has breast cancer. We caught it and the doctors are going to take good care of me so I can be healthy and live a long time. But in the meantime mommy is going to take medicines and have surgery that will help take the cancer away."

Pause for reactions. Willow of course did not understand so we broke it down further for her. I told her mommy had a sicky bug in her boob. She responded by giving me a huge hug and saying "look now I have a sicky bug in my boobs too!" Silly little Willow, always making us laugh! Willow has continued to share with everyone we meet that her "mommy has a sicky bug" and that “she is still a girl even though she has a daddy haircut". We should really work on her pronouns! Wills quickly figured out how to embarrass me into a hot flash when she proudly announced in the frozen food aisle at Kroger "that old man is bald just like you mommy" to the whole store. Thankfully the "old man" did not turn around to engage Willow's comment, because I was mortified. She has on several occasions made me laugh even when all I wanted to do was cry.

Ali understood enough to ask a couple follow up questions along the lines of who, what, where? She continues to be my curious child. She is always asking questions in reference to my treatment. She was the most uncomfortable with my hair loss and until last week she would ask that I not walk around the house without a head covering. When we were visiting my parents at the lake for the weekend she proudly said out of the blue that we would be playing a game later and that I was to arrive without my hat on. Around bedtime she came to find me to tell me "it was time" and that I should report to the kitchen with a naked head. I did as I was told and that was that. She did try to sneak in a rub later and after a couple awkward run ins I offered up a rub which she gladly accepted. "Oooo, soft," she noted. While Ali has always been my colorful one she has also struggled emotionally in this season. She has a plethora of feelings and only some understanding of what to do with them. I can definitely agree that I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster cancer would bring and I do not think Ali was either. What has helped us talk it out the most is books. We were blessed to receive a good amount of options to read. Here are our favorites:

• Butterfly Kisses and Wishes On Wings by Ellen McVicker

• In Mommy’s Garden by Neyal J Ammary-Risch

• What Happens When Someone I Love has Cancer by Sara Olsher

Ava has matured a lot of the last year and cancer proved no exception. While she has found her pre-teen attitude and has no problem showing us that, she is also extremely helpful with her sisters and around the house. She has shown us how brave she is by being present for the hard stuff even when given an out. She has laid in bed with me while I cry, and even though she is always asking "what's wrong", I am thankful she doesnt leave me alone. She asks minimal but surprising questions and is always keeping progress on my chemo count. By the time I post this blog we will only have 4 to go! Hooray! I am thankful for her age but also sad that she will probably have lots of memories of this part of life. One can only hope she remembers the strength not the weakness.

Parenting is tough stuff. There are new surprises around every corner and no one prepares you for what lies ahead. Even after I did it the first time, coming around those corners with the second child was just as surprising as the first. What nothing and no one could prepare me for was the cancer curve. It is a double edge sword every day from the moment I wake up till the last baby finally falls asleep. On top of juggling the normal life stuff I am juggling chemo symptoms, doctors appointments, and a lack of energy. Right now it is summer, our favorite time of year. Not just because it's warm out and the sun is shining but because this is my fun season. I love water balloons, fireflies, front porch swings, and totally rad sleepovers. This is when I am the cool mom and I am proud of it. I throw an awesome summer sleepover and love to adopt my "other kids' ' regularly. Now summer 2020 was a blast but lots of our traditions were placed on covid leave. So summer 2021 was game on. Then came cancer. As much as I would love to keep up my normal cool mom status, my focus must stay on my health so I can cool mom for many summers to come. And that sucks, totally sucks. I feel guilty when I don't get up to play, when I say no to a friend over, when lunch is a lunchable not a picnic…. I could just go on and on. I also feel guilty about asking for help. I hate making the please pick up my slack phone call. I tell myself that others are busy and I wouldn't want to ask more of them when their families ask so much already. We all have stuff right?

Then I met Chuck. I learned lots from Chuck and I will share that later on but the one thing I was to really highlight today about my conversation with him is a simple one liner. Let Love In.

I am regularly refusing to let love in. I do not always accept help when it is always offered, resulting in me having to call in favors. Now I want to point out that I am being vulnerable and overly honest by saying this. I know there have been several offers I have turned down and some were totally because at that moment I did not have a need. But at the same time, we all have needs all the time. Balance is needed to make the most of it.

I have learned quickly that my blog is being read by both cancer patients/thrivers and by co-survivors/loved ones. So here is my call to action to both sides….. To those who are supporting a cancer thriver, when offering to bring a meal, pick up groceries, or watch children, etc. offer with firm plan. Example: “I am going to run to the store, I’d like to pick you up some things. An essential low?” I don’t feel like you are going out of the way for me but I also have the opportunity to speak up about my needs. Or “I am going to the park at 5 oclock, may I pick up the girls and take them along?” Now for those of us thrivers. I am now practicing the answers that include yes every time. Now that doesn't mean I accept the offer right then but that in some way I am accepting the love being offered to me. Example: “We live in a house of 4 girls, TP is always low!” or “The basics are wonderful! Bread, Milk, and string cheese!”. Or “They would love to go. I am feeling good today, may I come along?” Accept the love on the terms that help and support you! No guilt needed.

I hope this message is received well and that in some way I am helping bridge the gap between thrivers and those trying to understand how our brains work. I am learning it is a daily battle, but I am up for the challenge!

For a quick treatment update…

I have 4 chemos left! Hooray! I saw my surgeon after chemo Monday and we started making my surgery decisions. Chemo #12 kicked my butt. I went to treatment not feeling good so after treatment it only got worse! I felt okay on Tuesday and had enough energy to make some cookies for my next fundraiser. Then Wednesday morning I knew it was downhill. I attempted to work and only made it to a few salons before needing a nap. Ava had a volleyball camp in Michigan that I did the driving for. It is safe to say that Wednesday night- Friday night I was either sleeping in bed, sleeping in my car in a parking lot, or puking. My body ached in every way possible, I had a migraine straight from hell, and my intestinal track hated life. I made time Friday to go see my favorite people, the chemo nurses, and received a bag of fluids and some anti-nausea meds. They helped long enough for me to visit with my friend Crystal and to cut up some sweet Georgia peaches. Then back to bed. Huge shoutout to my hubby for always picking up my slack and my parents who are always on call. Somedays I am not sure how much longer I can put on a brave face, but I know the end is in sight! Thank you for all your prayers and healing vibes! xoxoxo