The truth about my cancer depression.
- Emily Wolfe
- Oct 3, 2021
- 7 min read
Whoa. Life got busy. First off, happy National Breast Cancer month! I have barely touched my computer in the last month. So much has happened but I am still stuck right where I was when I stopped writing. I took notes here and there and I am very much still documenting this crazy life I call mine. I just can't share it all right now. Things have been really hard for me lately, and while support and love has been in bountiful amounts, you cannot believe something just because you hear it alot. You have to feel it. Accept it. I wish these things were easy for me. I know somewhere out there someone has it worse. But lately I can truly say I do not know how people living with terminal illness get out of bed everyday, You thrivers are the real heros.
So here is my cancer update. I am 4 weeks post double mastectomy with spacers in place. (Spacers are my temporary implants that can be filled, they will be replaced with my "permanent" implants when I am done fighting my cancer) For the most part my incisions are completely healed over and most of my bruising is gone. Not 100% but mostly. I have seen my surgeon a couple times and had 1 fill to my spacers. When he filled them during surgery I had 550mL in my left side and 450mL in my right. I had 50mL put in both last week. That was the weirdest experience as I could not feel him stab me with the needles or see the implants getting bigger. So weird. Anyway I developed a yeast infection on both breasts so I am on a cream for that, Sounds fun, yeah? (Gross face insert here) I have also had a follow up with my oncologist who went over my pathology reports with me and ran bloodwork. No good news happened at this appointment. In all I learned the following: my body has reverted back to completely premenopausal, I had 11 lymph nodes removed and 6 had cancer in them, I have lower than average bone density for a 30 year old woman, and my stomach still hates life from chemo. Here is why those things are bad: I have hormone positive cancer so my doctor will put me back into permanent menopause so I create no natural hormones for the cancer to feed off. I will have to do 33 radiation treatments and radiating the area where you have removed lymph nodes increases your risk of lymphedema by 5% and it sucks to know there was still cancer after chemo. I will start vitamin D supplements and several other precautionary treatments because my hormone therapy can cause osteoporosis. And I cannot eat or drink like a normal person. Yeah, I miss beer. Again, sounds fun yeah? Overall all my doctors are happy with my physical progress and are still happy to share that I have a good cure rate for my cancer. Which I am thankful and blessed to hear minus all the bad things.

My mom and I went for a 24 hour get away this week to see her dear friend Sherri. RIght up to the lake, our happy place. This is where I do my best thinking. I was happy to pack my laptop and write on the patio where I can feel the warmth of the sun and hear the sound of the waves. I am realizing that in order to mask the things I do not want people to notice about me I talk around them. Which is why I have been avoiding writing. I have been trying not to say the thoughts out loud to anyone close to me, including my family. I think it is because to the outside I AM doing great. I was able to maintain a good quality life during chemotherapy and I am recovering from a massive surgery with grace. Why ruin that for those asking? People want to hear I am doing well and happy. While I am doing physically well I am an adult living with severe anxiety which is making the mental part of my cancer take its toll. When I was younger mental health was not a topic talked about. I truly believe that my parents were not educated on mental health, anxiety or depression the way we are now. It is a commonly talked about topic. Right, wrong, or indifferent I do believe our mental health is just as important as our physical health. I have danced around the topic but at the end of every blog, or conversation, or doctors appointment I have ended with a positive affirmation, a joke, a "but it's okay". Well today I am finally speaking the truth hiding inside my head…. IT IS NOT OKAY. I am not okay. This fucking sucks. (Sorry dad sometimes life just needs to hear the F word)
I am brave and I can do hard things.
I have depression linked to my cancer diagnosis. I have had moments where I had to talk myself out of a complete spiral. And I have moments where I forget I have cancer and just feel like Emily again. I got in my car only to start sobbing because I saw someone in the store who I lied to and said I was "doing much better than I thought". I am 100% sure this can be normal and as I have shared on my blog before, 20% of cancer patients become depressed during their treatments. I just did not think that would (or should) be me. I have great support, a beautiful family by my side, a supportive husband, financial stability, insurance, and a curable form of cancer. But here I am admitting my shortcomings to all of you. I am not looking for sympathy. I want to be a voice, a powerful voice, that helps someone who is in my position to speak up. Maybe they do not have a best friend who tags along to appointments to make sure I bring up all the things I have been complaining about. Anyone else need help with that? Because I know I have not been honest about my mental health when consulting with my doctors during my cancer treatment. Maybe one person, hopefully more, somewhere in some time of this world, needs to read these words in order to better their circumstances. I don't know, but I do know that I feel a little bit more confident and a little less sad having finally "said it out loud".
Here are some of my journal entries from the last month.
Sept 5th (Day 3)
Today I showered so it was the first time I took my compression bra off. It was not as scary as I thought. Very bruised but overall I was impressed how rounded my breast looked. My plastic surgeon ended up putting around 500 cc in each breast so they are very hard and full already which was not what I was told to expect. He is an expert so I trust the process. I have never been to this kind of low before. I could not even wash my own body. I have been blessed that in my 30 years I have not ever been in that kind of shape before. I am thankful for my best friend Kodi. She both held my hand while I looked in the mirror again and washed my legs because I could not bend over. Showering felt good. It lifted my spirits a bit. I did have to text my doctor about one of my drains. The bandage was lifted a bit. We had to tape it a little but overall things were looking "good".
Sept 8th (Day 5)
I just got done puking up everything I ate today. I had to lose the cute pj pants that matched my shirt because I was puking so hard I peed. This is the hard shit. This is the shit no one can prepare you for. I am in hell. I was not at all prepared for the pain my body would be going through. Most of my cancer journey so far has been a very mental journey. I was prepared for that part, the surgery to be the same. I would mostly say I emotionally am staying strong, a few moments of grief but otherwise staying positive. The pain has been different.
Sept 16th (Day 14)
I assumed this battle was going to be harder emotionally than physically because so far that has been my cancer experience but I am finding myself physically exhausted this time around. I am trying to be comfortable with the process my body is taking to heal itself from the deformities. Right now the physical pain is nauseating. With more pain, I am required to find more strength. This question I am struggling with is where do I draw strength from when I am exhausted?
Sept 20th (Day 18)
I've been trying to form the words to express how I am feeling as I move forward on my journey. I landed on this: I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to share what is happening in my head without it sounding like a long blog of complaining. I just don't know anymore. I am ready to be past this part. I now have hair which is nice because I can talk to strangers without them knowing I have cancer. But then there is the run-in where I see someone who doesn't know I have cancer. I get the "so, how is it going?" (Looking up at my chemo hair). The other experience is when I am catching up with someone on my journey and they just look right at my chest while we are talking. Like yes there they are my fake boobs. How do they look since I just watched you check them out.
I want to summarize this blog by saying, if I have not said it enough, thank you for being here for me. This blog has been a great rock for me and I wouldn't keep writing it if you did not keep reading. I enjoy knowing that all sorts of humans read my words. Some recall their own journey when reading my words. I have received beautiful cards saying how "brave" I am for sharing. I have been told I have helped some better know how to help a friend with cancer because of my honesty. I hope this blog sheds some light on mental health for those who do not struggle with it. I hope it brings peace to an anxious person. And comfort when the journey gets unsettling.
Until next time, keep thriving. Xoxo

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