Then there was a fork in the road.

Remember the saying I started this whole process with? "Tell God your plans and he will laugh". Well I am sure that he is at least giggling. This week has been a whirlwind. Let me paint you a picture…

Monday I was feeling confident about how the month was planned out. I had made a great work plan, scheduled plenty of time at the lake with our friends, and I was allowed to be human for the whole month. Besides my 10 or so pre-mastectomy check ins and follow ups I had 6 weeks to feel like Emily again. Here it comes… HAHA! Nope. I received a call from my breast surgeon, Dr. K, regarding the plans for a ".5" procedure that would be done 2 weeks before my big surgery. Say what?! No thank you! But indeed after hearing about the procedure and understanding why it was important I agreed to talk it over with Ryan. We landed on a go ahead (I'll explain later why) and I called my surgeon here in town, Dr. B, on Tuesday to ask about scheduling and his feelings on this craziness. He explained this was a good thing all the way around and he suggested I have it. But this time he referred to it as a "nipple lift". Does that sound lovely? After a little back and forth we got it scheduled for Thursday and I began rearranging our lives.

Couple cancer lessons worked their way in here…

First, when Dr B first called he had me on the OR board for the following Thursday. The following weekend is the one adult only party I planned all damn summer. This surgery was going to take that off the table. I very nicely said "No thank you". Now normally I am a people pleaser so I would have just said yes, sucked up and disappointed my friends. Cancer card bitches. Hell to the no. (Sorry dad but I needed to get my seriousness acrossed) I stood up for myself and my schedule. I have been a victim of calender stealing one too many times! Lesson: It's your time and even though sometimes you have to be at the mercy of their schedule, you have the power!

Second, no matter how hard you try, you cannot see everything coming. When I was still doing chemo I met a friend who has a different kind of breast cancer but was just ahead of me in treatment. When she went to her last chemo appointment she was taken by surprise to learn she had to do more IV therapy after surgery. I felt horrible!! I did not want to be thrown off like that so I started making sure to ask good questions about post chemo and post this and that. But look what happened friends? I got thrown off course. I was surprised to learn of a part of my treatment plan someone forgot to tell me. But in two fold, I hired these doctors for a reason. I trust them both with my life and my boobies! They have my best interests at heart! Lesson one, remember to hire doctors you trust and then trust them. Lesson two, you cannot prepare for everything, things will take you by surprise.

Third, Just a reminder it's your party and you can cry if you want to. Lesson, find a good shoulder to cry on and keep them close by. Thank you Wolfeee, I love you,

So if you do not want to hear the nitty gritty of my boobs skip this paragraph! The surgery was about an hour and a half. Dr B did it all in same day surgery at Blanchard Valley, First I was injected radioactive dye into my nipple (ouch) and we let that sink in for a while. I kissed Wolfeee goodbye, only cried a little! (Yay me) and was taken upstairs. The nipple lift is where the doctor goes in and cuts off half the blood flow to my nipple. When they remove my breast tissue under the nipple during my mastectomy it has a better chance of surviving if they have learned to live off little blood flow for a while. So two incisions were made under my breast fold to get to those. This will be the same incision they will use when they do my mastectomy. Then I have a 3 inch incision under my left arm pit where the doctor accessed my lymph nodes that showed the dye in them. In my case there were 5 nodes taken and we are waiting for pathology reports on those! To get there they do have to do some moving around and cutting nerves so at the moment my armpit is swollen and numb. It's weird! Overall it is just what I expected everything to look like. I am happy with where my incisions are. I am very sore and overall not feeling great. I am happy to be resting in my own bed because we have good family and friends who are taking care of the babies while I recoup. Ava stayed home to help me around the house and mostly keep me company. It was very nice to have alone time with her.

Today, post surgery day 3, I am feeling bad for myself. Let me start by saying I would normally never admit this outloud. I have way to much pride to admit my shortcomings, but in the last few years of therapy Dr A has reminded me time and time again to forgive myself for being human. And part of forgivness is admiting the reality of my feelings and reminding myself just because I am feeling that way today doesn't mean I have to feel that way tomorrow. So today I am sad. I should be at the lake floating in gross Lake Erie water. I should be building sand castles with my girls. Cooking dinner with my friend and playing cards with my parents. But instead I'm rewatching Grey's Anatomy for the millionth time and icing my boobs. I felt like I was seeing the light, enjoying normal time for a bit, and cancer time snapped back into effect quickly. If you haven't been following my blog since the beginning, go back a bit and read my post "Stuck in cancer time". This description of time, "cancer time" is such a real thing. And it has been one of my biggests strugglings along my cancer journey. I am stuck in a patients body, and mighty as I try to break free it is a daily battle. Now I am so blessed to have hope and a chance at breaking free from this. I have a cureable form of cancer at this point and some people are never offered that gift. But in this moment I find it hard to see surviorship and life after cancer. I am just trying to get through the journey. So today I will pull out my box of cards, rub some crystals, and reread comments and messages from friends and family. I will remind myself that there is power in prayer. And allow the love around me to lift my burdens and picture life past the pain. There are summers ahead and lessons to be learned in the present. Look up my friends. xoxo