Time to break the silence

12-23-22 One year cancer free 

I have to be honest and say I thought I’d be in a different place. I thought I would be farther into survivorship and feeling like a whole being again! This past year I have been hospitalized 3 times, recovered from 3 surgeries (2 which claimed both of my breast implants), underwent a spinal tap, was prescribed 43 different prescriptions, had my blood drawn 67 times, “dove” 40 times in a hyperbaric chamber, recovered from 5 infections, was scanned for 4 MRIs, 3 CT scans, and had my first pet scan. No wonder I am tired! 

I am thankful for my life here on earth and even through its challenges I have made many beautiful memories with my family. Ava has matured right before my eyes and doesn’t need me quite as often as she used to. She is smart and strong willed. Ali has continued to challenge me by literally being me. The apple tree theory stands firm with her. She is funny and is the first to come running when hearing Willow cry. She’ll do anything to make her sister happy again, so giving of her big heart! And Willow. She fully fills my mommy cup by missing me every second we are apart. She’s learning so much at school she practically talks all day. If she’s not singing a song, she’s counting, or making rhyming words. She is our sunshine on every dark day. Then there is my husband. The man who I guess really freaking meant it when he said “in sickness and in health”. Wolfeee often jokes that I took that part to serious and I’m “pushing my limits”. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes not. But that’s what I love about him. He is always there to bring me down when I’m working myself into space and lift me up when I can’t peel myself off the bathroom floor. He has loved me through every hard day and I will never be able to fully put my gratitude into words. As a family we traveled to Tennessee with my immediate family and Disney just us 5. I was able to participate in 2 Susan G Komen 3 Days (120 miles walked!) in Chicago and San Diego. We moved into a new home which we are loving. 3 full baths! Like a dream. We have started to move forward from cancer while navigating medical challenges. These girls have no idea how these moments are shaping their lives. 

My circle of supporters has changed and adjusted as time has moved forward and my journey got longer. This part I didn’t see coming. I am a woman of genuine words. If I say I am sending you good vibes it means I put come crystals in my hands and rubbed those babies and talked to the universe about you. If I say “hey call me, anything I can do I want to” and you call me at 2 am because you can’t stop thinking your husband is cheating on you (this is dramatic, seriously you could need milk for your midnight cookies) I would pick up and listen to you. What I didn’t truly realize until this point in my life, is that a lot of people in your life don’t mean it when they say things like that. Just because you are that caring doesn’t mean others are too. Not everyone is giving with their heart. That was the hardest pill of the whole year to swallow. I found myself without the support I needed and a huge whole in my heart. It was very earth shuddering for me to realize this about people close to me. It made this year of survivorship lonely. I felt undeserving of love because I was not “doing life” the way people thought I should. My journey after cancer didn’t look like other journeys. Time and lives moved on. But I felt very stuck. Stuck in bed, stuck restricted, stuck with a medical file I don’t want. Stuck with symptoms and deformations I never get to walk away from. And to see people you love walk away from you…. Was so much harder than I imagined. I suppose other people who have also undergone a traumatic experience in life can relate. I know I am not alone. I originally saw these changes as losses and have spent time grieving that loss and those relationships. With the help of my therapist and some serious reflection I am learning to see that time is in fact moving me forward and releasing what no longer serves me. 

Today I take pride in being able to share my feelings. This was very hard to write. I often find myself keeping quiet to keep others comfortable. I don’t want to hurt someone. But in not hurting others I have spent this year hurting myself. Working on my mental health has been a priority all year long. But as my physical health continued to be rocky so did my mental health. Yesterday I received an all clear Pet scan. A couple small “check in again in 3 months” things but overall my body is presenting free of cancer. Hallelujah!!! I have to adjust to my new “normal” of being precautious with my body and remember that not everything comes back to cancer. There is more to me than my risk of reoccurrence, 61% more! 

I get to start fresh today with a clear year ahead of me and many memories to make. If you’re here reading to the end, thank you. Knowing my words could help others heal from their trama is one of the strongest pillars holding up my hope. I know he has plans for me. No rush, I am here alive and ready. Xo